


they say times are hard for dreamers, but it's gotten me this far ( and that's far enough for me )

by wearealltalesintheend



Series: so, no one told you life was gonna be this way [1]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Buzzfeed, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Office, Haunted Prison, M/M, The Buzzfeed Unsolved AU, actually, and no one stopped me, but let's face it, is gold, thats all i wanted tbh, todd and dirk running around haunted places, you didn't know you needed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-30 01:11:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12643101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wearealltalesintheend/pseuds/wearealltalesintheend
Summary: “I’m going into the cell.”“Todd, no- that’s just- if you go, I’ll have to, too!”“I’m going into the cell. Two minutes, c’mon, Dirk. Lock me up.”“You’re insane!”“Well, then this can’t make me anymore crazier. Come on, ghosts! Do your worst!”“TODD NO-”...or, the Buzzfeed Unsolved AU.or, alternatively, the one where Dirk and Todd go ghost hunting for the internet, there's an office betting pool going on, and Todd is skeptic but just migh take a leap of faith.





	they say times are hard for dreamers, but it's gotten me this far ( and that's far enough for me )

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I'm sorry, this is terrible.
> 
> Second, this is a real place, but I have never even been out of my country, so Arizona is completely foreign for me. The description of the Yuma Prison is based all on pictures and videos on the web, so I'm sorry if it's all off.
> 
> Third, I have no excuse for this except I wanted Todd and Dirk going ghost hunting. 
> 
> Lastly, I am SO salty I couldn't use Comic Sans, I hate it but it's Buzzfeed Unsolved Trademark for the dialogues. Damn it.
> 
> Enjoy? Maybe?

 

“I’m going into the cell.”

 

“Todd, no- that’s just- if you go, I’ll have to, too!”

 

“I’m going into the cell. Two minutes, c’mon, Dirk. Lock me up.”

 

“You’re _insane!”_

 

“Well, then this can’t make me anymore crazier. _Come on, ghosts! Do your worst!”_

 

“TODD NO-”

 

***

 

“Welcome to Blackwing Unsolved!” Dirk beams to the camera, “this week we are exploring the haunted grounds of the Yuma Territorial Prison, in Arizona.”

 

“How can you be so cheerful when it’s so damn hot?” Todd complains, shifting in his folding chair. The camera pans out, showing the desert. “Actually, how are you still wearing that stupid jacket?”

 

“It’s my trademark, Todd, I can’t just not wear it because it’s slightly warmer.”

 

“ _Slightly warm-_ oh my god, Dirk, it’s the middle of summer!”

 

“We’re getting sidetracked here. Let’s just get to the story.”

 

***

 

_“Opened in 1875 while Arizona was still a U.S. territory, the Yuma Territorial Prison received its first inmate in July 1st, 1876. For the next 33 years 3069 men and women served their sentences here, which included manual labor in continuing the construction of the building. Their crimes ranged from polygamy to murder.”_

 

***

_**“What? That’s- that escalated quickly.”** _

 

_**“Right? And the prison wasn’t even finished yet? Sounds rather lazy to me, don’t you think?”** _

 

_**“I think they were getting desperate-”** _

 

_**“Wasn’t there other prisons back then?”** _

 

_**“Yeah, but, maybe they were overcrowded- I don’t know, Dirk. I’m not a historian.”** _

 

_**“But you’re american!”** _

 

_**“Yeah, but- nevermind. Just- go on.”** _

 

***

 

Sometimes Todd hates his job.

 

But mostly, it amuses him.

 

Like right now, for example. Watching Dirk mumbling to himself and flailing around and successfully avoiding opening the prison’s gate. Priceless.

 

“Do you want me to open it for you?” He asks, because he’s a good friend. He is. “Cause it looks like you’re having an aneurysm there.”

 

“No, I am perfectly capable of opening doors, Todd,” Dirk says primly, “I’m just getting used to the poor lighting, is all.”

 

Todd says nothing, but when the metal gate creaks open, he goes in first. He’s that good of a friend.

 

They find themselves in the patio with no light beyond the moon and their flashlights. The walls look old and bricks are missing in some places. They are not ruins yet but signs of human occupation are too faded to be called part of civilization. “Should we go into the cell blocks first?” Dirk asks, and Todd pretends he doesn’t notice him inching closer, “or the Watch Tower?”

 

“The Tower? Since we are already outside anyway.”

 

“Fine, shall we?”

 

***

 

“There are too many steps on this.” Todd pants, “no shit they say it’s haunted.”

 

“What?” Dirk asks and it echoes uncomfortably long, “how is that connected?”

 

“Well, you’re the one always saying _everything is connected, Todd!”_ He mimics in a mocking voice, “and well, if saying a ghost poked me in the cheek means I don’t have to climb all these motherfucking steps, then I just saw Casper over there.”

 

Dirk glares, well, tries to, but the stairs go on and on circulating the tower and they are both too tired to bicker. Jesus. It’s just the beginning of the episode and they are already dying. Maybe they should’ve gone for the cell block, you know, the nice _flat_ building.

 

 _“What was that?”_ The british asks, head whipping around to look for the source of the noise, “did you hear that, Todd?”

 

“Yeah, sure, it’s just rats. This place is pretty gross.”

 

***

 

 _“In that moment our audio recorder picked up on what sounded a lot like ‘_ stop’ _being whispered.”_

 

***

 

**_“That doesn’t sound like_ stop _.”_**

 

**_“What? It clearly says stop. Here, listen to it again.”_ **

 

**_“Still doesn’t say anything! It’s just garbage noise!”_ **

 

**_“Todd. I think your ears are broken.”_ **

 

**_“Nah, man."_ **

**_( laughter )_ **

**_"You’re reaching here. It’s just a noise going staghh. There was a lot of wind that night and we were right next to a window. The recorder just picked up on it.”_ **

 

**_“The wind? What? That’s just- how can you not- listen, Todd, you’re my best friend slash assistant, but that. Is bullshit.”_ **

 

**_“I’m not your assistant, asshole. We’re co-hosts.”_ **

 

**_“Of course, Watson.”_ **

 

**_“Sometimes, I want to strangle you.”_ **

 

**_“Well, maybe that’s why the ghost said stop.”_ **

 

***

 

“Okay we’re _finally_ here at the top of the Watch Tower.” Todd gestures around, “and I gotta tell you, internet, this place is _nasty._ ”

 

The room itself isn’t large but it’s covered in thick layers of dust. The furniture is sparse, only a wooden table and a few chairs, darkened and corroded by the weather. Old bottles of rum are scattered in the floor and the lamp is broken above their heads. The small window lets in the cool breeze of the desert and the pale light of the moon, but it only casts an eerie glow to the room.

 

“Right. I think I saw a rat running there.” Dirk points to the table, but nothing moves again, “anyway, now that we are here, I guess, we should, uh, communicate with the spirits?”

 

“Sure. Let’s talk to the walls.” Todd places his flashlight to the table, turned on but on the brink of switching off. “Ready. You’re good to do this?”

 

“Not really, no,” he swallows. “Hm, hello? If there’s any spirits here, tonight, there’s a flashlight on the table over there. If there’s any ghosts here, we’d like you to try and uh, turn it off? Please? Turn the flashlight off?”

 

The wind howls outside. They wait for a minute. Everything on the room stands still.

 

“Okay, my turn. _Ghosts! Turn that flashlight off!”_

 

“Oh my God, Todd, you always do this-”

 

“ _Spirits! Can’t you do it? Are you scared? If you want to hurt us, turn that shit off!”_

 

“Why did you say that?”

 

“Chill, Dirk. I’m helping your investigation. _C’mon! If you want to rip our eyeballs off, then turn it of- YES! That’s what I’m talking about!”_

 

“Oh no, no no no. No, no.” Dirk babbles horrified as he stares at the flashlight, now turned off. “That’s- no no no, oh my god, no.”

 

“That’s great, now-” he collapses in laughter, “now turn it back on, ghosts! _Turn it back on!”_

 

“Todd, _stop!_ You’re going to get us killed!”

 

“No, I wanna see it turn it back on. Come _on, ghostie! I’m waiting!”_

 

There’s a long silence, broken only by Dirk’s panicked mumbling and Todd’s giggles. The light remains off.

 

“Okay, let’s get out of here. Dirk, grab the flashlight. Don’t worry, it’s not possessed. Probably. Let’s check out the cells.”

 

***

 

_“Inside this prison were reported over 111 deaths, most of them being from tuberculosis, which was pretty common during that era. The spirits of those lost to the unsanitary conditions of these grounds and abuse by the hands of guards are said to still linger around. Inmates such as John Ryan, who was imprisoned around 1900 for ‘crimes against nature’, are thought to haunt the place. Ryan was not liked by the prison staff, and reportedly committed suicide in Cell 14.”_

 

***

 

**_“I feel like half the places we go at least one person died of TB.”_ **

 

**_“Yeah, I noticed that too. I think it was a popular thing back then.”_ **

 

**_(Laughter)_ **

**_"Well, I wouldn’t put it like that-”_ **

 

**_“What is ‘crimes against nature’ though? That is kinda vague? Did he murder a tree?”_ **

 

**_“It’s- He didn’t- Dirk, it’s gay sex okay? The inmate was gay.”_ **

 

**_“Oh._ Oh. _”_**

 

**_“Yeah. People were shitty back then. I mean, even more shitty.”_ **

 

**_“I still want to talk to the gay ghost though.”_ **

 

**_(Laughter)_ **

**_"Of course you do!”_ **

 

***

 

“Okay, we’re here in Cell 14 where John Ryan killed himself,” Dirk explains, his camera showing the inside of the cell. The room is small and dark, only the frame of a bed remains intact in the right corner. “People reportedly feel cold spots around here. That’s going to be a little uh, hard, to see, since I have my cool jacket on, but Todd has not, so. We’re still waiting on that lead.”

 

“Yeah, I feel the cold.” Todd deadpans, “it’s called cold desert breeze and it’s coming from the tiny window there.”

 

“Shush, you’re going to scare off the ghost!”

 

Todd sighs, waves his flashlight around, “fine. _John Ryan! John, if you’re here, talk to us, man!”_

 

“If the ghost of John Ryan is still here, please, give us a sign.” Dirk has a look of concentration on his face- the one where his eyes squint and he bites his bottom lip until it’s red and flushed- and Todd kind of melts inside, all warm feelings and butterflies and shortness of breath.

 

The only sounds echoing are their breaths and the occasional tinkering of the camera crew. It’s not surprising, at least not for Todd, but the room still gives off the creepy vibe of places where misery and pain and hatred and death cling to the walls like festering mold. He can see why people would call it haunted.

 

When they move on to the next cells, he’d never say it out loud, but the relief is tangible in the air.

 

***

 

_“Ill-behaved inmates spent time in the “Dark Cell,” chained to ring-bolts in severe isolation. This is the shadowy center of the prison, and where visitors feel the most uneasy. Two inmates, who spent time in the Dark Cell, were immediately transferred to an insane asylum upon release. One reporter planned to stay in the cell overnight shackled to a ring bolt for 48 hours with a jug of water and a loaf of bread, but after 37 hours called for help to be released insisting that she felt she wasn’t alone in the cell.”_

 

***

 

**_“I wonder when they started to realise that maybe complete isolation was not very good for your health.”_ **

 

**_“After the two inmates, hopefully?”_ **

 

**_“Not gonna lie, they probably just carried on until it closed off.”_ **

 

**_“I hate this place, Todd.”_ **

 

**_“I know. I can see why people would feel uneasy here. But it’s almost over!”_ **

 

**_“I’m buying two milkshakes when we get out of here. And watching puppies videos.”_ **

 

**_“I know, I know. We can steal Ken’s dog later.”_ **

 

***

 

The Dark Cell is every bit as terrifying as people say. It’s dark and damp and claustrophobic, and Todd hates just looking at the hallway leading up to it. No wonder people go crazy in there. Still, there’s an idea taking shape on the front of his brain, and he knows Dirk is going to hate it. “I’m going into the cell.”

 

“Todd, no- that’s just- if you go, I’ll have to, too!”

 

“I’m going into the cell. Alone. Two minutes, c’mon, Dirk. Lock me up.”

 

“You’re _insane!”_ The british whines, covering his face with his hands, but closes the gate, “completely bonkers!”

 

“Well, then this can’t make me anymore crazier.” He steps inside, eyes adjusting slowly to the darkness, “ _Come on, ghosts! Do your worst!”_

 

It’s not so bad, actually. If you ignore the grossness of the place, it’s almost peaceful.

 

It’s hard to ignore the grossness.

 

From where he’s standing, Todd can hear Dirk’s steady whining, and it’s familiar and expected, and it’s a comforting white noise. When the two minutes are up, he’s almost used to the shadows.

 

Dirk, on the other hand, is loud inside the cell. He talks and talks to the walls, calling up ghosts and then regretting it immediately, apologizing and mumbling to himself. He makes so much noise, if he appears later with some sound evidence whisper bullshit picked up from the audio recorder, Todd will smack him in the head with the damn thing. He’s not surprised Dirk can keep up two minutes of talking to himself, though.

 

“Can we go now?”He asks as soon as he steps outside the cell, “I’m a little disappointed we didn’t get anything here. But I’m a lot more happy we didn’t get anything there.”

 

“Why do you do this to yourself- you know what, nevermind.” Todd shakes his head, “come on, this place is depressing.”

 

***

 

_“Yuma Union High School  also occupied the buildings from 1910 to 1914. And just like active and alive kids, the ghost of a little girl at Yuma Territorial Prison State Historic Park is said to sneak up and poke and pinch visitors, apparently knowingly alarming everyone she touches with her icy cold fingers. Some say this girl died as families took up residence after its closure in 1909 during The Great Depression.”_

 

_***_

 

**_“What the fuck? What do you mean a school occupied the building?”_ **

 

**_“Right?!”_ **

 

**_“Who thought this was a good idea?”_ **

 

**_“I mean, schools are like little prisons, kinda?”_ **

 

**_“Dirk, what kind of school have you attended?”_ **

 

**_“No, think about it- strict schedule, no outside contact, power dynamics- really, it’s quite similar.”_ **

 

**_“Oh my god, I hate it when you make sense without making sense.”_ **

 

**_“Todd. You’re not making any sense.”_ **

 

**_“(wheeze)”_ **

 

***

“This is creepy.”

 

“We’re sitting in the old office, waiting for a ghost child come poke us. Gee. I wonder where you got that feeling.”

 

It’s probably physically impossible for Dirk to stay still for longer than five seconds, Todd figures. And that’s why he doesn’t really complain as the other paces restlessly around the dusty office, a frown firmly placed on his brow.  He spins his swivel chair around, “so, we should probably do the whole talking thing.”

 

“Yes, yes,” Dirk stops, swallows, and rummages inside his backpack, pulling a rag doll, “I’m starting. Okay. I have a doll here, it’s for you, if you want? I’m going to leave it here, outside the door. So if you want it, you can come pick it up. I’m closing the door now.”

 

“If that doll actually moves, I’m buying you a milkshake.” Todd snorts, but stills in his chair, “I’m not hearing anything. This is the dumbest test we ever did.”

 

***

 

_“We didn’t notice at the time, but while I was going over the video, I noticed what sounds a lot like a child giggling.”_

 

_***_

 

**_“That did not sound like giggles.”_ **

 

**_“Did too!”_ **

 

**_“Dirk, I spent three quarters of my day around you, I know what giggling sounds like. And that did not sound like it.”_ **

 

**_“You are just denying for the sake of denying now!”_ **

 

**_“What? No. I’m being a normal person!”_ **

 

**_“Yeah? Well, I showed this to Amanda and she happens to agree with me!”_ **

 

**_“She works with the Rowdy 3 trying out the most ridiculous and increasingly dangerous things every week. She’s not a normal person.”_ **

 

**_“I guess they are a little scary.”_ **

 

**_“But that’s a good idea, actually. We could ask Farah and the girls at Ladylike next week?”_ **

 

**_“Yes! I’m sure Mona and Tina will see the truth.”_ **

 

**_“Dirk. Once I asked Mona what time it was and she said ‘eleven past July’. It was the middle of April.”_ **

 

**_“Can you blame her? She works in a higher plan than us mortals.”_ **

 

**_“She also slept for 14 hours straight last week.”_ **

 

**_“She told me that’s how you reach nirvana.”_ **

 

***

 

“Okay, _we are opening the door now,”_ Todd calls out, “it’s your last chance to move the ugly doll without us seeing!”

 

Dirk glances at him, nods hesitantly and throws the door open before looking up excitedly, “Todd! Todd, look- it’s not where we left it! The ghost moved it!”

 

“Dirk-”

 

“No, I know- it’s just a couple of inches, but look, _it moved!”_

 

“Yeah, but,” he raises his hands up, in front of his chest in a pacifying sign, “don’t look at me like that- but. It just fell to the side-”

 

“ _What?_ No, how could it fall that far?”

 

“Well, you just threw that door open with a lot of force-”

 

“I can _not_ believe you-”

 

“I’m just being the voice of reason here-”

 

“No. You are being quite silly, Todd, and I won’t have it. Ghosts are real and you know it.”

 

Todd sighs. They had had this argument a thousand times over the years. Enough times for him to know that there isn’t point in doing it again, not when neither of them will change their minds. Dirk is stubborn and determined and it’s both annoying and endearing, so Todd ignores the burst of fondness sharp on his chest, and just shakes his head, “let’s get the hell out of here, man.”

 

“Oh thank goodness.”

 

***

 

_“Is the Yuma Territorial Prison haunted by the spirits of its old inmates? Is there a ghost child really terrorising tourists on the building? We don’t know. But walking around the grounds and spending time in the Dark Cell, I can’t deny feeling we weren’t alone in there. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe it’s everything. Maybe it’s both. We don’t know. And for now, these questions will remain… **unsolved.** ” _

 

_***_

 

“That was a good episode.”

 

Amanda falls down on the chair beside him, and Todd startles, drops his headphone on the table. “Jesus Christ-”

 

“Nah. Just me. But for real, that was a good one.” She stretches, grins her mischievous smile, the one that means he is about to be dragged into one of her shenanigans, “but seriously dude, the heart eyes are getting _so_ obvious.”

 

“What- the fuck- I have _no_ idea-”

 

“Todd. It’s cool.” Amanda stops his babbling, “everyone knows. I’m pretty sure the guys have a betting pool going.”

 

“ _What_ ?” There’s a headache in the edge of his mind, inching closer with every word out of her mouth, “ _what betting pool?”_

 

“Oh. Well. The one on when are you and Dirk getting your shit together.” She spins on the swivel chair, “we’re all in on that, but I think Farah has the furthest date on the calendar. Or maybe it’s Bart and Ken. I’m not sure.”

 

“What, even the Outsmarted guys?”

 

“Yeah. It’s getting popular.”

 

Todd buries his head in his hands. Great. The entire office is invested in his love life, or, well, his lack of one. He whimpers piteously.

 

“To be fair, you weren’t the only one being disgustingly sappy.” His sister pets his head, “Dirk looks pretty smitten, too. I told you before, man. You gotta go for it. He won’t wait forever.” She warns him, “and I have a lot of money going on the pool. So cheer up, dude, and go ask tall, dork and british out.”

 

Amanda checks her phone, drums her fingers on his table one last time and gets up to leave, ignoring his muffled _fuck you._  “Later, bro. Gotta go, we’re trying out ocean survival food today. It’s gonna be disgusting.”

 

And with that, Todd is left alone.

 

He stares blankly at the computer screen in front of him. It’s not that they hadn’t had that conversation before, because they did, several times, in fact. He’s not sure what changed.

 

Maybe it’s just that he’s more tired now. These feelings and thoughts and fears and what ifs brewing and festering in the space between his bones and settling down like lead in his chest.

 

Or maybe he’s more scared too, that maybe Amanda is right. Dirk won’t wait forever; if he’s really into Todd, he won’t wait forever. If he takes too long, he might miss his chance.

 

But if she’s wrong, if Dirk is not interested at all, than it would make everything awkward. The show is doing good now, how could he jeopardize it?

 

He blinks, focusing on the screen in front of him. It’s a picture, maybe two years old? Something like that.

 

It shows Dirk, in his stupid yellow jacket and Todd’s old Mexican Funeral t-shirt, two milkshakes in front of him and his brightest grin beaming at Todd, who seems like he’s trying so hard not to grin back, but couldn’t help the fond smile from curving his lips upwards and the softest look on his eyes.

 

He actually remembers that day. Farah had taken the photo, right after they had told her about their new show and the excitement had bled through everything they did.

 

Now, the photo stares back at him, and Todd is trying to think of all the ways this could go terribly wrong and how the show could suffer, but, well, if he’s being honest, he’s always been a bit of a selfish asshole.

 

***

 

“Todd, is there a reason you called me here?” Dirk asks timidly, and hurries, “not that I’m complaining, far from it, just. I don’t really understand, is all.”

 

“No, yeah, of course- how’s your milkshake?” Todd deflects, feeling his chest flutter, “I wanted to talk to you, actually.”

 

“It’s very good, I love this place,” he drinks happily, “but is everything alright? Is this about the show? Do you want to go back to True Crimes? Oh, is it about the Postmortem? Are you going to miss it? Because we could film it earlier? Or have Amanda or Farah do it in your place?”

 

“No, no- everything’s fine, the schedule is fine.” A pause, “I wanted to talk about us.”

 

Dirk blinks, “oh.”

 

“So. You’re my best friend, you know that, right?” He waits for the nod in confirmation, “you’re my best friend, Dirk. And nothing will ever change that, but I have been thinking. Maybe, it could? Change, I mean.” He scratches the back of his head nervously, looking everywhere but at his friend, “man, I’m doing this all wrong. What I’m trying to say is. Dirk. You’re my best friend and that’s great, really, but I’m in love with you and now I’m here, hoping you might be a little in love with me too?”

 

There’s silence from the other side of the table, and Todd feels his heart sinking and the red lights in his head start blasting, telling him in an automated voice _fuck up alert fuck up alert fuck up al-_

 

“I’ve been in love with you since we were interns.” Dirk blurts out, looking like a deer caught in headlights, like he can’t quite believe what’s going on yet.

 

Todd can relate, it does feel too good to be true. But then Dirk grins, so bright and so sincere, and everything becomes lighter and the colors are all sharper, like his world has finally shifted in the right orbit. If this is how Icarus felt before his wings started to melt, then Todd will gladly fall.

 

After all, he’s been falling for quite some time now.

 

When they kiss, five minutes later, back pressed against Dirk’s ridiculously expensive car and the sun shining on his face, he tastes chocolate milkshake and cherries, and hope and laughter and _future._

 

***

 

In the end, it’s Tina who wins the bet. She’d like to thank god and the academy, but Amanda tackles her to ground first.

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hi, you made it to the end! Yay! Leave a comment or a kudo if you liked it? It would mean a lot.
> 
> If you want to talk about Dirk Gently, Buzzfeed Unsolved or any Buzzfeed Web Shows ( or the love of my life Jen from Ladylike ) come talk to me on [my tumblr.](http://wearealltalesintheend.tumblr.com/)
> 
> And hey? Thanks.


End file.
